I just took a look at my old post on my freshman year and it's really remarkable to look back on what I was thinking exactly a year ago today. My freshman year was difficult for me and it was a true test of my character and friendships. However, for my sophomore year, I went into the fall semester with a better sense of confidence. I found myself more at ease and more sure of things.
Fall semester I began to become more open to new experiences. I began to re-acquaint myself with dancing and throwing myself out there in front of people who I've never met to judge me for how I expressed myself with movement. I found new friends and kept some old ones. But I also started to feel misplaced and out of tune with what I thought I was an integral part of. However, I threw those thoughts in an unkempt part of my brain not ready to process just yet.
Winter break was a roller coaster for me. I was still fighting with my parents' strongly held idea of me being protected and controlled little girl when in reality I felt like they were holding me back from every potential I had. I felt muted and chastised for rights that I thought every 20 year old woman should have. I resented them even more because of their stubborn ideals that embedded into their heads before the 21st century. I also found myself hungry for opportunities that I felt like I was cheated out of. Suddenly, I found people making plans to go abroad, being accepted into internships and research positions and living life. They were going to big concerts, going on trips, and partying away like every youthful individual should. My parents and I were at a standstill for a long time. It wasn't until I found myself in a stressful and sadistic state did they even consider my opinions.
By spring semester, I was determined to make amazing summer goals. I applied to places that I hoped would bring me to happier place. I found myself constantly comparing myself to people that I knew was counterproductive and also unhealthy. But continuing on, my spring semester was probably the easiest semester I will ever experience in my entire secondary school. And for that, I can only say I am grateful because of what awaits me next year. Spring brought out mixed feelings from me. Those misplaced feelings all started to surge back. I was left out and it got me down. I continued to ignore it for some time until it erupted out of me. I still find myself in those spots today, although, not as often.
I also found how much I gossiped. While gossiping may "secure" friendships. I mean what is a friendship if you don't hate and love the same people right? But I found comfort in knowing that I had friends that I could talk ideas with. Within the past few weeks I learned ideas rather than rumors from people that I spoke to. After out conversations it would almost feel relieving rather than burdening. I found out how paranoid I have become. From past secrets that I forced to make in my childhood, I've built up this undeniable paranoia that comes whenever something comes across me as uncertain. In truth, I've always know this existed but it wasn't until recently that I've tried to combat it with less worrisome thoughts. It's simply unhealthy and all it does is waste time. Which comes back to my previous fear of living an unlived life.
As always, I look forward to the summer in hopes of it being better than the last.
Thanks for reading. :)