End of summer 2014

This is my friend's dog picture above. But that's exactly how I feel about this past summer coming to a close. I'm honestly sad to see this summer go! I'm going to miss hanging out with friends and visiting places. It always seems that in retrospect, the summer seemed too short no matter how long it actually was. (4 months.)

Something I noticed with college summers are that May is spent being absolutely lazy. You're home, eating, catching up on TV shows, and NOT unpacking. You're also slowly waiting for all your friends to make their way back from home. Then June/July is spent working, interning, and volunteering. Everyone gets caught up in something else whether it's family related or their juggling different schedules. August then rolls around and everyone panics and starts to hangout. Then before you know it, everyone's setting off for Fall.

So I guess, here's to another year at school!

My reflection on my sophomore year of college

I just took a look at my old post on my freshman year and it's really remarkable to look back on what I was thinking exactly a year ago today. My freshman year was difficult for me and it was a true test of my character and friendships. However, for my sophomore year, I went into the fall semester with a better sense of confidence. I found myself more at ease and more sure of things.

Fall semester I began to become more open to new experiences. I began to re-acquaint myself with dancing and throwing myself out there in front of people who I've never met to judge me for how I expressed myself with movement. I found new friends and kept some old ones. But I also started to feel misplaced and out of tune with what I thought I was an integral part of. However, I threw those thoughts in an unkempt part of my brain not ready to process just yet.

Winter break was a roller coaster for me. I was still fighting with my parents' strongly held idea of me being protected and controlled little girl when in reality I felt like they were holding me back from every potential I had. I felt muted and chastised for rights that I thought every 20 year old woman should have. I resented them even more because of their stubborn ideals that embedded into their heads before the 21st century. I also found myself hungry for opportunities that I felt like I was cheated out of. Suddenly, I found people making plans to go abroad, being accepted into internships and research positions and living life. They were going to big concerts, going on trips, and partying away like every youthful individual should. My parents and I were at a standstill for a long time. It wasn't until I found myself in a stressful and sadistic state did they even consider my opinions.

By spring semester, I was determined to make amazing summer goals. I applied to places that I hoped would bring me to happier place. I found myself constantly comparing myself to people that I knew was counterproductive and also unhealthy. But continuing on, my spring semester was probably the easiest semester I will ever experience in my entire secondary school. And for that, I can only say I am grateful because of what awaits me next year. Spring brought out mixed feelings from me. Those misplaced feelings all started to surge back. I was left out and it got me down. I continued to ignore it for some time until it erupted out of me. I still find myself in those spots today, although, not as often.

I also found how much I gossiped. While gossiping may "secure" friendships. I mean what is a friendship if you don't hate and love the same people right? But I found comfort in knowing that I had friends that I could talk ideas with. Within the past few weeks I learned ideas rather than rumors from people that I spoke to. After out conversations it would almost feel relieving rather than burdening. I found out how paranoid I have become. From past secrets that I forced to make in my childhood, I've built up this undeniable paranoia that comes whenever something comes across me as uncertain. In truth, I've always know this existed but it wasn't until recently that I've tried to combat it with less worrisome thoughts. It's simply unhealthy and all it does is waste time. Which comes back to my previous fear of living an unlived life.

As always, I look forward to the summer in hopes of it being better than the last.

Thanks for reading. :)

Snow day!

I can't even begin to tell you how much of a summer person I am. Shorter days, colder weather, and the constant feeling of being a hermit just doesn't appeal to me as much as summer does. But sometimes winter has its moments. Yesterday, I finally experienced my first snow day after probably 2 years. The snow storm that came our way was absolutely perfect. It snowed all day and it left a beautiful, thick comforting blanket over everything.

Walking around yesterday gave me a new appreciation for nature. Although, for most people, especially adults, find the snow troublesome and just added on nuisance to their everyday commute. But the snow was just absolutely beautiful. The way the huge chunks of snowflakes just gently floated to the ground, camouflaging and unifying with the millions of snowflakes that came before it was pretty magical.

Snow is one of those things that kind of lost its luster for me. Like Christmas and Santa Clause, Easter egg hunting, and the thought of going to Sports World and Chuck E. Cheese. But I think it's one of those things that we take for granted and that we should take the time to rediscover these small, magical moments every time they come up. Even if they're not as significant as they were during our toddler stages. These are some of the things that used to all make us so happy to the point where there was absolutely nothing that could top our happiness. So why should they ever lose that meaning?

Just say yes

Yesterday, I celebrated my uncle's birthday at Cheesecake Factory with my family. I decided to try out things on the menu I don't usually get. What I learned was that I hate the taste of cottage cheese. Afterwards, I did some shopping at the Victoria's Secret Semi Annual sale which I left with a pretty good haul.

Today I was stricken with body aches, a slight fever, and fatigue this morning after becoming sick in the middle of the past night. As a result, I was bed ridden for the majority of my day and missed out on a friend's birthday party. I've come to realize that I've been keeping to myself this break, mostly isolated. For the last two weeks of break, as short as that sounds, I need to get out and see people and do some fun things. I always get in these random funks where I never want to do anything to anyone and I say no to the simplest things. When saying yes couldn't have hurt.

2013 Recap

Since tomorrow is the beginning of a new year, it's natural that I find myself involuntarily rewinding back the most memorable moments of the past year. To be honest, I'm not sure how anyone can do it so easily since I can hardly remember what I did four hours ago. But I still think it's worth a shot.

I remember, the beginning of the year I was in a very weird place with how I felt with the people I called my closes friends for the past 5-6 years of my life. I remember feeling a lot of anguish and I was very troubled by the fact that I no longer meant anything to them. But as the months went by and the very vague motto "college happened" came true, I began to accept that sometimes the people we set ourselves to spend our future with will not always turn out that way. For some reason, I found this very difficult to accept and in turn, I found it very difficult to find new friends to replace them. However, now I'm glad to say I'm on a new plane of acceptance. I realized that it's not that I needed to replace anyone or that anyone had done me wrong. Friendships don't lose meaning but only gain a different definition.

But in between all that bitterness, I found a new obsession with Les Miserable which now has a special connotation for me. I was taken a wonderful Valentine's Day date. I attended my first concerts which included Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. I finished my first year of college. I got my first job. I found a new love for yoga. Had a great summer. And had another successful semester. 

I'm very thankful for a wonderful year and hope for nothing but better and bigger things in 2014. Here are a few (not all) of my resolutions that I'd like to share...

1. Do More Yoga - Now, I understand yoga is not for everyone and the thought of twisting in ways you never thought you could twist sounds terrifying. But personally, whenever I attend a yoga class or even do yoga by myself at home, I find myself more at peace with myself. Whatever stress was aching in my shoulders or whatever worrisome thought that made me take mindless shallow breaths suddenly dissipated. I become more mindful and aware and it doesn't even have to happen during a "yoga" session. But it can happen even in simple meditation. 
2. Write More - I truly do enjoy blogging. It's saddening how much I neglect it while I'm in school. But this year, I want to make it a goal to still keep up with my blog. It may not mean to blog every day but to blog when I feel the need to blog rather than putting it off and off until I forget about it.
3. Do More of What Makes Me Happy - I met a special person this year, Johnny Cupcakes. And I never really took what he said and applied it to my life. But after reflecting of this past year, I'm going to make it part of my resolutions.
4. Let Things Go - I have a nasty habit to hold onto thoughts until I become brittle with bitterness and I break. Which is such an unhealthy habit. I need to learn to let things go and know that I can't control everything.
5. Shop Less, Window Shop More - I was taking a look around my closet the other day and the amount of clothes I have in my closet that I no longer wear is almost disgustingly selfish that I just want to grab my entire closet and just donate it. Growing up in middle school and high school, I felt some sort of desire to constantly buy new things for super cheap prices. As a result, I have a bunch of cheap clothes that don't even look good anymore because they're so cheap. Most of them I just bought because I was so lured by the cheap prices that I just couldn't pass them up. Which is just so plain ridiculous, I don't know why no one stopped me.

With all of that said, 2014 awaits! Happy New Year's Eve! :)

A reflection on my freshman year of college

Okay, I know all I have been writing lately is how quickly time has passed and how it is nearly over. It's just this never ending state of stupor that I will never escape and I am sure everyone can relate to me on that note. But in this blog, I will dedicate to a true reflection of my entire year and a big apology to those who will be subliminally mentioned in this blog and will be offended. But this is for my future self and not for anyone else.

At the end of senior year of high school, it was definitely a blur. I just remember lining up to go out on a big wide open football field on the hottest afternoon of the year. I remember just standing by the fences and someone behind me said "This is it." but even though I heard it, it didn't register. That was it. That was and would be the last time all my high school friends and I would be together in that way. I'm not sure if that made sense. But after that moment, that walk off the field where we have all graduated, we didn't know it but we all changed. Everything. I didn't want to leave that parking lot full of crying faces and happy hugs. Because somehow I knew inside that once I left, absolutely nothing will be the same anymore and those last few moments were all I had. I don't mean to sound dramatic but that's exactly how I remember graduation. I don't remember speeches, I vaguely remember who I was sitting next to and who was behind me, but I mainly remember the feelings I had at the end where I was walking to my car.

The summer was definitely the indication period. A friend once told me that you can tell who you'll still be friends with after high school based on if you still hangout on your own time. I think she was wrong. I made my best efforts of meeting up with people and it was fun. I was busy thinking of DIY crafts for my room, choosing room assignments and attending orientation. It was all going by so fast and then it quickly winded down to countdowns until when we were all leaving. I knew that I was going to have a group of friends that I would definitely feel separated from but I had a feeling that they would maintain that connection with me. But despite the benefit of the doubt I gave them I was wrong.

The first day of school crept up on me. I didn't know how homesick or how hard it was going to be for me. It first hit me when I said bye to Mark knowing I wouldn't be able to see him for maybe months and that I'd be experiencing something brand new without him or anyone I knew for that matter. I was always labeled as strong and of course "boss" but I quickly began questioning that when I arrived to my room and my parents drove away. I was in tears and the last thing I wanted to do was be at college. Suddenly it was hard for me to meet people and I was overwhelmed with the classes I was taking. I wasn't the party type and I wasn't going to try to be someone I wasn't just to make new friends quickly. I was stuck. I remember nights where I would stay in my room and just cry because of how much of a hard time I was having. I would call my parents and cry, I'd try going to sleep and cry, and I would look at Facebook and Twitter and just cry. I'd turn and look at people on my floor and I'd think I miss my friends back home so bad and no one would ever compare to them. I felt lost and I became so depressed that I lost around 15-20 pounds in the first month I was in college. I had no appetite and I often caught myself even tearing up in class. It probably was the hardest thing I have ever done. Being three to four hours away from home all on my own seemed so easy before actually doing it. But obviously, I was wrong.

The semester did get better. I made friends, made a name for myself, and ended up doing extremely well in my first semester. Then winter break rolled around and I was excited to see everyone back home. But unfortunately, I was wrong or so I thought. I found myself planning a Christmas party to watch my Debut video and I invited everyone who went. But things quickly turned sour for me. I suddenly witnessed a divide at the party. Everyone who went to an in-state school seemed to move together as a uniformed clique that seemed elite. It was hard to get into their party conversations even thought I was the party host that brought them together. I couldn't find anything relatable to talk about and I hardly saw any effort for anyone in that group to deviate from that group. I got upset. I didn't want my party to be like that. I wanted intermingling and some cross pollination of ideas and stories. The point of the party was to catch up with people you haven't seen in four months. Not to keep talking to the same people you have been with all year. Up until this day the status of that group hasn't changed. Throughout winter break I slowly gave up after I noticed a pattern with their behaviors. I noticed that I was constantly put on hold for people who had priority over me and these people were again, people that had seen all year. This was pretty significant in my view of our friendships. I was incredibly hurt and spent a few tears on it. I had sent letters to these people and receiving none back, I realized now why. I found myself constantly hurdling to see them and when I didn't see the same effort back, I kind of gave up as well and ultimately deteriorated our friendship.

Anyways, back to college I went for the spring semester. It definitely proved to be more challenging and more drama but I gained more friends on the floor. I found a lot of people that liked me and went to a bunch of concerts. I'd say it was a pretty good semester with the exception of these four finals I still have to do. But I liked this semester. It definitely got easier and even though in some ways it didn't seem great, at least in retrospect it did. I'm essentially grateful for my first year here at college. It gave me a sense of independence, it reevaluated myself as a person and realized who I really am. One thing I realized here is that you never know who you really are until you fully separated yourself from your past. To anyone who read this and is about to embark on the college life, I suggest going to a school where no one knows who you are. It definitely will change your perspective on life and who you are. It's safe to say that I'm happy with who I am as of right and now and I realized that you will never truly be proud of where you came from until you go somewhere where no one has heard of it. Seriously.

Fortunately, I was able to keep a few friends from high school and I think that's really how it's supposed to be. I think I'm learning (slowly) to accept that I can't stay close friends with everyone I was with in high school. It's actually impossible and it's not always the people in the friendships to blame. In fact, it's a bunch of other factors. Time, distance, and just life. Life gets in the way and there's just nothing you can do about it. I admit, I was hoping college would mellow me out a little bit and I hope it did. But I consider myself a brand new person coming home this summer. Maybe not totally new, but definitely different. Now I can't wait to get these finals over with, and get a start on summer!

Thanks for reading. :)

New Year's Eve!

No photo today! Today, my parents started getting all our numerous superstitions ready for the new year. One of them is having 13 round fruits displayed on the dinner table in a round container. Also placing plenty of different coins of different values underneath your pillow, hanging grapes on the front door, and placing coins on a round plate outside. I don't really do any of these myself besides the coins under my pillow.

I was thinking that counting down to New Year's is such a weird thing. Everyone puts on this new mantra that the next year will be better and everyone has high hopes. Then we spend time counting down the seconds as it gets closer and closer to January 1st. It's infused into society and the way we think. Humans have a tendency to get stuck in the past and find it impossible to move on. New Year's makes it possible. As a world, we all ring in the New Year. Anticipating a brighter future with positive outlooks. I think it's really something.

There's always those people that show up on your Facebook newsfeed or Twitter timeline trashing the "New Year, New Me" statuses and the people who criticize people who make New Year's Resolutions saying that if they wanted to change they can do it at anytime and just because it is a new year does not mean they will change for the better. But why put them down and why make fun of them about it? On just my perspective, I think it's good for them. Whether they really do change or don't, I don't really blame them. It is really hard to change something about your personality. But the thing that New Year's does is that everyone (or almost everyone) reflects and finds things they want to change about themselves and we all set foot towards those changes together. And who really knows if that person changed. So if you're one of those people suppressing your "New Year, New Me" status, it's okay. I'm here to give you a pat on the back for at least wanting to change something for the better. Just remember in the back of your mind that the same people who want to trash the "New Year, New Me's" are probably going to be the same people who will trash them next year.

ANYWAYS, as for me 2012 was really a good year. I had my 18th birthday and my Debut Party, went through my senior year -- prom, graduation, had an alright summer, then started my first semester at college and came back slightly different. (I didn't wanna piss off the people who hate "College Changed Me" statuses. ;) ) I appreciate everything that was thrown at me because I got through it and I'm happy for all my old friends, new friends, and family that surround me today! I can't wait to see what 2013 has in store and how many times it will take for me to stop writing 12 and start writing 13.

Happy New Year's Eve! :)