Okay, I know all I have been writing lately is how quickly time has passed and how it is nearly over. It's just this never ending state of stupor that I will never escape and I am sure everyone can relate to me on that note. But in this blog, I will dedicate to a true reflection of my entire year and a big apology to those who will be subliminally mentioned in this blog and will be offended. But this is for my future self and not for anyone else.
At the end of senior year of high school, it was definitely a blur. I just remember lining up to go out on a big wide open football field on the hottest afternoon of the year. I remember just standing by the fences and someone behind me said "This is it." but even though I heard it, it didn't register. That was it. That was and would be the last time all my high school friends and I would be together in that way. I'm not sure if that made sense. But after that moment, that walk off the field where we have all graduated, we didn't know it but we all changed. Everything. I didn't want to leave that parking lot full of crying faces and happy hugs. Because somehow I knew inside that once I left, absolutely nothing will be the same anymore and those last few moments were all I had. I don't mean to sound dramatic but that's exactly how I remember graduation. I don't remember speeches, I vaguely remember who I was sitting next to and who was behind me, but I mainly remember the feelings I had at the end where I was walking to my car.
The summer was definitely the indication period. A friend once told me that you can tell who you'll still be friends with after high school based on if you still hangout on your own time. I think she was wrong. I made my best efforts of meeting up with people and it was fun. I was busy thinking of DIY crafts for my room, choosing room assignments and attending orientation. It was all going by so fast and then it quickly winded down to countdowns until when we were all leaving. I knew that I was going to have a group of friends that I would definitely feel separated from but I had a feeling that they would maintain that connection with me. But despite the benefit of the doubt I gave them I was wrong.
The first day of school crept up on me. I didn't know how homesick or how hard it was going to be for me. It first hit me when I said bye to Mark knowing I wouldn't be able to see him for maybe months and that I'd be experiencing something brand new without him or anyone I knew for that matter. I was always labeled as strong and of course "boss" but I quickly began questioning that when I arrived to my room and my parents drove away. I was in tears and the last thing I wanted to do was be at college. Suddenly it was hard for me to meet people and I was overwhelmed with the classes I was taking. I wasn't the party type and I wasn't going to try to be someone I wasn't just to make new friends quickly. I was stuck. I remember nights where I would stay in my room and just cry because of how much of a hard time I was having. I would call my parents and cry, I'd try going to sleep and cry, and I would look at Facebook and Twitter and just cry. I'd turn and look at people on my floor and I'd think I miss my friends back home so bad and no one would ever compare to them. I felt lost and I became so depressed that I lost around 15-20 pounds in the first month I was in college. I had no appetite and I often caught myself even tearing up in class. It probably was the hardest thing I have ever done. Being three to four hours away from home all on my own seemed so easy before actually doing it. But obviously, I was wrong.
The semester did get better. I made friends, made a name for myself, and ended up doing extremely well in my first semester. Then winter break rolled around and I was excited to see everyone back home. But unfortunately, I was wrong or so I thought. I found myself planning a Christmas party to watch my Debut video and I invited everyone who went. But things quickly turned sour for me. I suddenly witnessed a divide at the party. Everyone who went to an in-state school seemed to move together as a uniformed clique that seemed elite. It was hard to get into their party conversations even thought I was the party host that brought them together. I couldn't find anything relatable to talk about and I hardly saw any effort for anyone in that group to deviate from that group. I got upset. I didn't want my party to be like that. I wanted intermingling and some cross pollination of ideas and stories. The point of the party was to catch up with people you haven't seen in four months. Not to keep talking to the same people you have been with all year. Up until this day the status of that group hasn't changed. Throughout winter break I slowly gave up after I noticed a pattern with their behaviors. I noticed that I was constantly put on hold for people who had priority over me and these people were again, people that had seen all year. This was pretty significant in my view of our friendships. I was incredibly hurt and spent a few tears on it. I had sent letters to these people and receiving none back, I realized now why. I found myself constantly hurdling to see them and when I didn't see the same effort back, I kind of gave up as well and ultimately deteriorated our friendship.
Anyways, back to college I went for the spring semester. It definitely proved to be more challenging and more drama but I gained more friends on the floor. I found a lot of people that liked me and went to a bunch of concerts. I'd say it was a pretty good semester with the exception of these four finals I still have to do. But I liked this semester. It definitely got easier and even though in some ways it didn't seem great, at least in retrospect it did. I'm essentially grateful for my first year here at college. It gave me a sense of independence, it reevaluated myself as a person and realized who I really am. One thing I realized here is that you never know who you really are until you fully separated yourself from your past. To anyone who read this and is about to embark on the college life, I suggest going to a school where no one knows who you are. It definitely will change your perspective on life and who you are. It's safe to say that I'm happy with who I am as of right and now and I realized that you will never truly be proud of where you came from until you go somewhere where no one has heard of it. Seriously.
Fortunately, I was able to keep a few friends from high school and I think that's really how it's supposed to be. I think I'm learning (slowly) to accept that I can't stay close friends with everyone I was with in high school. It's actually impossible and it's not always the people in the friendships to blame. In fact, it's a bunch of other factors. Time, distance, and just life. Life gets in the way and there's just nothing you can do about it. I admit, I was hoping college would mellow me out a little bit and I hope it did. But I consider myself a brand new person coming home this summer. Maybe not totally new, but definitely different. Now I can't wait to get these finals over with, and get a start on summer!
Thanks for reading. :)